I only want to take a moment to give a big, warm, heartfelt thank you to secret hero Donald Trump. Shout-out to you, Donald! Nate Silver’s website, FiveThirtyEight, has reported evidence that you have actually managed to stunt right-wing movements around the world merely by being so shitty. The truth is startlingly clear now: You are intentionally being the world’s worst leader, selflessly sacrificing your own legacy — and indeed, your own dignity — in order to stop the progress of the far-right and stimulate the world a better place. And boy are you doing a great job. You are a tragic, misunderstand hero, and while history may paint you as a villain( all according to your ingenious seven-dimensional chess scheme ), we would like to take a moment to offer an ode to your accomplishments.
Nate Silver explains that there’s a solid pattern evident: The warmer a foreign leadership candidate’s relationship with Trump, the worse he or she has tended to do in elections. This remarkably consistent tendency has watched right-wing parties face embarrassing outcomes in Austria, the Netherlands, France, and the UK. Trump, your act of being an incompetent asshole had really defined the nationalist cause back by decades, a result of your labyrinthian political strategy too complex for most small minds to comprehend. A brilliant political martyr whose sacrifice may be forgotten by history books, but not by us.
Even in Australia, the Liberal prime minister( Australia’s Liberal Party is conservative, the lavatories flush the other way, it’s simply a whole Australian thing) was seen in a leaked video comically mimicking Trump in front of fellow political leaders and journalists. Trump, your efforts at attaining yourself appear to be an moron of legendary proportions are being appreciated all the way down under.
Let’s take a look at some of the terrible and idiotic things our revered martyr Trump has done for the good of the world 😛 TAGEND
Firing The Director Of The FBI For Being Disloyal
Historically, a president would generally avoid firing the FBI director out of respect for the freedom of law enforcement — in other words, it’s not a good seem. And when that FBI director is resulting an investigation into your possible ties with Russia? No man would think he can do this and come out seeming innocent or competent — that is, unless he’s intentionally making himself seem treacherous . This brilliant move has done a great serving in attaining right-wing patriots seem cartoonishly sinister. Wonderful work, Mr. President.
You put Sun Tzu to dishonor .
Attacking London’s Muslim Mayor Hours After A Terrorist Attack
What a great way to stimulate the right wing seem jaw-droppingly cold-hearted. Truly White Fang -ing the empathetic people of the world, you know? Hurling stones at us out of love, because you know we’re better off without an authoritarian world filled with toxic patriotism. Accusing London’s first Muslim mayor of being indifferent to terrorism and indicating a knife attack with minimal casualties somehow validated your pro-gun posture, and also repeating the call for a ban on Muslim immigration? I’m stunned at the artistry demonstrated here. A colder performance than Kathy Bates in Misery . We watch what we you’re doing, and we love you for it.
Golfing In Mar-a-Lago Constantly
Costing the American taxpayers $10 million on three weekend golfing journeys? Like they say, you’ve got to spend money to make money, and in this case we’re spending money to drag the world out of this poverty-stricken, nationalistic cesspit. The median American might not see through your clever ruse, but I know no one truly enjoys golf that much. And no one wants to make such a terrible impression in their first month at a new job! You’re one of the world’s most successful industrialists, come near. When you’re one day impeached, I’ll be silently weeping from the crowd, tapping my snout like a co-conspirator in a noir movie. I know the sacrifices you made, and I will think of you with bittersweet joy every time I salute that damn flag.
This one too .
Blurting Out Bits Of Highly Classified Information
For a movement rooted in patriotism and love of country, probably the greatest style to alienate even your own supporters is to share classified intelligence on a caprice to a Russian ambassador, constructing yourself seem either awfully incompetent or actively imperiling your citizens. Either route, it’s a huge win for those of us who want to see the far right crushed. You’re the Batman to our Gotham. We barely deserve you.
Demanding Passage Of A Healthcare Bill That Would Even Hurt His Own Supporters
Throwing your subsistence behind a bill that would hurl millions of Americans off their health insurance plans, including people who voted for you? Leaving millions of people to, well, probably die, and directly transgressing your campaign promises? Not even Hannibal Lecter is that deep evil. Not sure I agree with literally sacrificing lives for the cause of induce the movement look bad, but hey, I trust your magnificent vision of a better world. We’re in safe hands. I merely wish that more people saw you for what you genuinely are: a hero saint bravely disguised as a turd.
Lucy Valentine has a Twitter .