The ideal NFL coach: Donald Trump

A raft of football coaches have found their political doppelgnger in the sentient clementine that is the presumptive Republican nominee

Your favorite football team needs a new coach and there are two finalists for the job. One is a retread candidate from a coaching tree that peaked years ago. This coach offers few new ideas and would be reliant on the talent of the players themselves to succeed. It would be a safe and uninspiring hire. A hire that even the candidate admits will only keep the franchise chugging along, exciting perfectly no one in the fanbase.

The other nominee is brash and loud, unapologetic and larger than life. Hes high-energy and talks about imposing his will on opponents. He vows to have the biggest and best defense ever. In countless interviews with the ratings-fueled athletics media, he offers no specifics on how he will improve the team beyond a few generalities because he is adept at empty coach-speak. He has never coached at any level, and several of the ideas he has actually mentioned defy the spirit of sportsmanship, if theyre not against league rules wholly. However, he says he will hire the best assistants and then and he cant stress this enough build the team great again and win, win, win. In fact, he claims the team will win so much, the fans will get sick of winning. He could easily go down as the worst coach in history if he gets the job, but many fans are willing to go with a bold hire in hopes of devoting the franchise a jumpstart.

For those not adept at recognizing the obvious, the above is not a very loose description of what the Eagles faced in choosing Doug Pederson over Chip Kelly( no offense aimed, Mr Kelly ), but an analogy for the presidential candidacies of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

Trumps candidacy has repeatedly been described as unlike any other in American history. Maybe thats because Trump isnt really running for president hes running for head football coach of the United States. America loves its football, and polls indicate more and more America fans are open to hiring Coach Trump to lead the country to victory over Putin and Mexico and China and Isis and the PC libruls in the upcoming season of Mericaball.

Perhaps its an oversimplification to say that millions of Americans are so conditioned to worshipping a strongman coach that theyve warmed to the idea of a strongman president, unwilling or unable to separate running the free world with running a football squad. Perhaps. But what surely is true is that many football coaches have found their political doppelgnger in the sentient clementine that is the presumptive Republican nominee.

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, who has always run his squad like a human who appreciates some good, old-fashioned fascism, got the coach endorsements going in March when he took his lady friend out to dinner with Trump in New York. While not officially an endorsement, Belichick a supposed genius is no doubt intelligent enough to know that agreeing to the photo with his good friend in an election year basically serves as one. Plus, we cant really expect a standard endorsement from a human who has proven incapable of mumbling much beyond yes , no and do your job in public.

If Belichick isnt the most predictable Trump supporter among NFL coaches, then Rex Ryan is. What is extol your unmatched greatness with a string of insolvencies and failed ventures in your aftermath if not the business equivalent of predicting Super Bowl titles while racking up eight-win seasons? A example can even be made that selling high-priced steaks at Sharper Image is even dumber than getting a Mark Sanchez tattoo.

Rex Ryan is Donald Trump. Donald Trump is Rex Ryan. And so Ryan introduced Trump at a rally in Buffalo back on 18 April: Theres so many things I admire about Mr Trump, but one thing I really admire about him is, you know what, hell say whats on his mind, Ryan told more than 10,000 in downtown Buffalo that night. A lot of people want to say the same thing. But theres a big difference. They dont have the courage to say it. They all think it, but they dont have the courage to say it. And Donald Trump certainly has the courage to say it, and thats why I respect him.

What are these things that Trump says that Ryan thinks and urgently wants to say himself? Its easy to assume its Trumps frequent sexist, racist and Islamophobic contemplations, but maybe Ryan simply loves Trumps comments on economic policy. Or maybe he just likes that Trump openly mocked the stature of Marco Rubio, a noted Dolphins fan. Surely thats all Rex meant!

Either way, the clear favourite for the Republican nomination whenever Trumps reign ends agrees with his head coachs sentiment.

Richie Incognito (@ 68 INCOGNITO) March 19, 2016

On my way to the @realDonaldTrump rally. Let’s attain America great again !!!

Trump has furthermore received the endorsement of former Chicago strongman Mike Ditka, who told WABC-AMs The Bernie and Sid Show in March that hes voting for Trump because this country needs leadership. It needs direction. It needs someone that steps up front. Change that to this squad needs leadership. It needs direction. It needs someone that steps up front and its classic, cliche-ridden, football analysis that says nothing 110%.

Ditkas reasoning for backing Trump at least was better than the logic offered by former New York Jets and Notre Dame head coach Lou Holtz, who recommended Indiana voters to back Trump on 3 May because he enjoyed golfing at Trumps resort.

So Trump for president, and for vice-president … Holtzs favorite caddy? Sure, sounds good. Navigating foreign policy could be just like reading a double-breaking putt if you dont think about it at all.

Trump has appealed to certain demographics of voters, but no more so than the football coach demo. He speaks their locker room language. He hates the media. He wont give any specifics on his schemes because he says he wants to surprise the adversary. He feels football has become too soft. And all he claims to care about is winning by any means necessary. A whistle and a clipboard would look right at home in his tiny hands.

All of this suggests that the presidential nominee has what it takes to potentially make a very effective … football coach. Election Day falls on 8 November this year, smack dab at the midpoint of the NFL season, just as some teams will have fired their head coaches. Maybe the Chargers or Colts or Cowboys can scoop him up in hopes of becoming great again. But Team America should look elsewhere.

Donald J. Trump (@ realDonaldTrump) October 13, 2014

The @nfl games are so boring now that actually, Im glad I didnt get the Bills. Boring games, too many flags, too soft!

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