Michael Wolff’s new book , Fire& Fury , portrays a Trump campaign and administration populated by thirsty moronics and headed by a doddering narcissist. There are enough juicy details in it to fuel several hyperactive news cycles.( Even if it’s not all true–which it might not be–it’s fun to watch everybody fight !)
But one particular detail was particularly interesting.
In the book, Wolff claims that Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner have an” earnest deal” between them, that if either of them runs for chairperson, it will be Ivanka–making Ivanka the first female chairperson , not Hillary Clinton.
As though that pair were a beloved power couple, a political Beyonce and Jay-Z. As though they were in a mental footrace, their expertise in shady business dealings and shoe marketingmaking them neck-and-neck frontrunners for future leader of the free world.
It’s hard to imagine somebody as inexperienced and ineffective as Jared Kushner or Ivanka Trump having the audacity to believe they’d be good Presidents. And Wolff’s book should be taken with a salt lick’s worth of salt. But once I overcame those two roadblocks, it wasn’t hard to imagine how the first year of an Ivanka Trump presidency might look.
The inauguration address( and all speeches, but largely the inaugural address) would be delivered in the same tone and inflection as the ad voiceover that explains the possible side effects of a sex dysfunction narcotic to daytime television audiences. Her smile would bloom and wilt robotocally, abruptly, as though President Ivanka’s mood were controlled by an oversensitive dimmer switching.
Since being appointed White House advisor by her parent, Ivanka has thrown her ethics into question by continuing to hawk the eponymous attire line from which she was supposed to have divested. Emboldened by her election, President Ivanka would double down. Her first act as President would be to appoint the most important role in the administration–Instagram monitizer. The Presidential Instagram monitizer would be charged with making sure that every item of garment pictured in every photo posted to the President’s account was available for purchase through the official presidential store.
The White House would be repainted a light sickly beige. Every country dinner centerpiece will look like a terrestrial Cthulhu.
As Commander-In-Chief of the armed forces, President Ivanka would make sure to learn what the branches of the armed forces were. And unlike her father, who spent more than 90 days on his own golf course during his first year in office, Ivanka would not spend her weekends golfing. She would expend them skiing.
Ivanka’s tendency to misuse words–basic ones, like” otherwise “– would induce the presidential malapropisms industry, latent since George W. Bush left office in 2009. President Donald Trump repeats things; Ivanka misuses them. Thousands of novelty desk calendar decorators would go back to work groups together Learn One Vocabulary Word The President Uses Incorrectly Per Day calendars, which would trend across the country, unifying an otherwise divided populace.
President Ivanka Trump would undoubtedly have an ambitious political agenda for her first year, but before she got to any of it, she’d have a thick stack of forgiveness to get through. Who can say who will get caught up in the Mueller probe by the time it’s over? Perhaps she’ll have a brother to pardon, maybe a papa. Maybe her husband will go to jail, just like his papa. The last name, the family business. Jail, Jr.
Maybe she’ll pardon Paul Manafort, for the normal reasons the scion of a family that has set up several businesses conducive to money laundering would release a man who has attained millions cozying up to kleptocrats.
Throughout all of it, a dogged PR machine would hum in the West Wing of the White House, delivering unsweetened whipped-cream answers to women’s magazines and get cross with follow up topics. Jared Kushner, he isn’t on permanent sabbatical in a country without an extradition treaty with the U.S ., will often appear in public in pale polo shirts and shorts that are both too short and too long. The couple’s children, in their late teens and early twenties by then, will construct teen faces in the family photo-ops, like the Obama girls used to build.
Over the course of her first year, President Ivanka’s tweets and speech will devolve into magnetic verse made from Successories posters.” Keep excellence striving onward !”” Reach for the potential !”” Unmask the America you wish to see in the mirror !”
In 2017, the future first female chairman was famously photographed at her father’s Oval Office desk flanked by Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and President Trump. As a callback, when she’s the president she’ll have her deputy write an Instagram caption beneath a photo of Ivanka Trump sitting alone at the same desk:” Women deserve a seat at the table .” There will be no other women besides Ivanka Trump at the table.
As she always is and is likely to be, Ivanka Trump will be wearing garb that was manufactured by one of her brand’s mills, in Bangladesh, by mostly girls, under suboptimal conditions. All of the pieces will be copies of pieces that other designers have constructed, but just different enough to avoid suits. She will bear the same last name of an unrepentant chauvinist whose words and actions she never disavowed.
The calendar year will end with a beige fireworks display.
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