It’s been a grim year- but what if Britain had never voted for Brexit? | Jack Bernhardt

One year on from the EU vote, step into alternative solutions reality where remainers triumphed and Boris Johnson lost an election to a rubbish bin

Happy Independence Day, everyone! Can you believe it was just one year ago today that we all unanimously took the monumentally brave decision to set our hand inside a toaster and defined that bad son to hard Brexit? The world surely has changed in the last 365 days weve got a new “ministers “, a new US president and a new sense of horrific, unending hopelessnes. Also, a new Harry Potter play. Neat!

Its virtually hard to think about how different the world would have been if the result used to go the other way. Just imagine: how much chaos could have been averted, if a small proportion of the country had switched their vote to remain? Dear reader, there is no need to imagine. Utilizing exceedingly accurate predictability models, the kind that the polls used to predict the EU referendum, the US election and the 2017 general election completely successfully, I have created that alternative reality. Welcome to the World That Brexit Forgot.

24 June 2016

On the steps of Downing Street, David Cameron, basking in the light of his unambiguous 51.9% remain victory, immediately calls another referendum for 2018. This one asks whether Britain should sink itself to the bottom of the North Sea and attempt to develop into an Atlantis-style civilisation, or whether it should be boring and remain part of the land people. Initial polls indicate most people in Britain want to remain landlubbers, but for balance Topic Time will offer a seat to Poseidon, God of the Sea, at every broadcast until the referendum.

4 July 2016

Friends and family worry that Cameron is now addicted to calling referendums holding six more, including one on what he should have for breakfast one morning. Due to a poorly thought-through online poll topic, he objective up having to eat a Boaty McBoatface submarine. Eventually Samantha Cameron holds an intervention, where family and friends implores him to stop. Cameron answers by holding a referendum on whether anyone in the country still likes him. Despite lots of photo ops with Barack Obama and shots of him running in rivers, CamerON is defeated by CamerOFF by a landslide, 51.9% to 48.1%. Cameron is so ashamed he flees to a totally random country that he chooses totally off the top of his head for no reason: Panama. George Osborne becomes prime minister instead.

5 August 2016

Osborne is under pressure to step down within one month, after accepting another job as the editor of the Evening Standard, and as the editor of the Times and as the editor of the Daily Star( where he renames himself George Phwoar-sborne ), and as the new Doctor Who, and as the new host of Top Gear and Bake Off, Bank of England boss and archbishop of Canterbury. Tragically, after accepting all of these chores he tries to work out what tax bracket hes supposed to be in and his brain explodes. Boris Johnson takes over.

4 September 2016

With the victory of remain, the Conservative no longer have to pretend they dont like big business. Johnson announced today the Tories are now sponsored by Amazon, under a bargain that they are able to last for the next five years( about the length of hour it will take for an Amazon delivery to arrive ). Amazon also promise to use drones to deliver new Tory candidates to constituencies within two hours.

October 2016

Jeremy
Jeremy Corbyn. Photo: Ben Stevens/ PA

Jeremy Corbyn is finally deposed as Labour leader. The PLP declare that he was far too cosy with David Cameron during the successful remain campaign, and they need someone who isnt quite so willing to bend his faith only to get in power. Plus they made him sing “the member states national” anthem a few more hours and he didnt quite set enough gusto into the bits about killing the Irish. Corbyn resigns and goes on to replace Ed Miliband on the Jeremy Vine Show, winning five Sony awardings for services to radio, as well as a Brit award for freshest new DJ. He seems happy.

November 2016

The American election takes place, but excitement is down following Trumps loss of momentum after the leave loss. Trump had attempted to claim he was always on the side of remain, and that he was actually the first person to use the word remain in English, but in a campaign where he had relied so much on telling the truth, this obvious lie stood out. Turnout is horribly low: Hillary wins 84 to 16, with many people astonished that as many as 16 people voted for Trump. Trump goes back to his day chore of building sleazy deals, insulting people on Twitter and golfing on the weekend in Mar-a-Lago.

December 2016

Michael Gove releases his new book for Christmas a brilliant science-fiction fiction about what would happen if Britain had voted to leave the EU. He predicts that Team GB would have won 85 extra gold medals at the Olympics, that England would have won Euro 2016 and the movie Get Hard with Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart wouldnt have been allowed to come out in British cinemas. He also bemoans the death of -exit as a suffix, which hasnt been used since June, saying that calling every little thing remotely to do with leaving something-exit would have revolutionised the English language, akin to the great vowel shift of the 15 th century, and it wouldnt have become tedious in the slightest. The book sells poorly, with only 300 copies shifted 299 of which were bought by Sarah Vine, and the other by unknown MP Andrea Leadsom.

January 2017

The new series of Sherlock comes out, and its nasty in this universe too.

February 2017

The referendum result has bolstered the Lib Dems they now favour hard remain. Under their new leader Herman Van Rompuy, they hold press conference exclusively in Esperanto, only pay for things utilizing euros and declares that theyve gone full metric system they refer to Miles Davis as 1.60934 km Davis, and call the former 1980 s Labour leader Michael 0.305 m. The result has also helped Ukip, who still have a reason to exist their narrow defeat has just made them resolve to work harder. Theyve proclaimed Clacton-on-Sea a free state, independent of the UK, where everyone must start every conversation with Im not racist but. Parliament is more polarised and angry than ever: the Lib Dems declares that detecting an arrangement is like getting blood from a 6350.29 g.

March 2017

Hilary Benn becomes Labour leader, operating on a campaign of proper leftwing policies, like bombing country level being the son of someone famous. He vows to take the fight to Boris Johnson at PMQs, but sadly no one notices because Boris is wearing a particularly sparkly affiliation. Meanwhile, Jeremy Corbyns popularity rises as a radio DJ thanks to a particularly sick verse he lays down for JME and Stormzy, where he muses on the benefits of universal housing underneath a quality trap beat.

18 April 2017

Boris Johnson, bored with life and frustrated that it isnt like the fun referendum campaign that he got to gloriously lose last year( instead of shamefully win ), calls a snap election. During campaigning he gets out the bus, repainted now to say that we should give 700 m to the NHS every 15 minutes because thats what the EU is taking from us, dammit. In an effort to find where the EU are hiding all this stolen cash, he drives the bus into the back of a Polish store, defining a rubbish bin on fire in the process. The rubbish flame becomes the talk of the election it gets its own Twitter parody account while Johnson is savaged in the media. Dreading the worst, the Tory party bags Boris as leader and instead nominates the On Fire Rubbish Bin. The polls immediately jump in its favour.

17 May 2017

Marine
The one rule in French politics is to do the exact opposite of what Britain and the US do. Marine Le Pen. Photograph: Philippe Wojazer/ Reuters

France elects a new chairman, but because the one rule in French politics is to do the exact opposite of what Britain and the US do, they elect Marine Le Pen. She proclaims France will leave the single market and will put up a hard perimeter with Ireland which means theyll have to build a bridge to Ireland over the sea, then set a wall up in between. British political experts get to be really smug to the French and marvel at our own wholly foolproof political system. The On Fire Rubbish Bin increases its leading over Hilary Benn by 20 points.

23 June 2017

The present day. The On Fire Rubbish Bin has suffered a humiliating reversal of fortune and now needs to do a deal with the DUP in order to stay on. Fortunately, the DUP quite like bonfires and 12 July is just round the corner so a bargain is signed immediately. The Tories declare they will be the bulwark against French populism, and will work with Angela Merkel to solidify and strengthen the eurozone. After all, the will of the people demand it. Its been quite a year, and the uncertainty of the future is clear. Hopefully, with a strong and stable leader, Britain can get through it all. Re-elect On Fire Rubbish Bin 2022.

Read more: www.theguardian.com

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