My name is Daniel O’Brien. I’ve had sexuality in over two different countries and engaged in some illumination, patriotic hand stuff in four . I used to write a weekly column for the comedy website Cracked Dot Com, and now I am its Creative Director of Video and Content Development, because ever since my boss left, there has been no one around to stop me from adding terms to my title, which I do all the time and without warning.
On the day that I started writing this article, I count seven pieces of content on the front page of Cracked which are explicitly political, and two which directly mention President Trump in the title and feature him in the thumbnail. In 2017, under my leadership as the Creative Director of Video, Content Development, and Espionage, we launched two new shows to cover the present administration: the short-lived After The Trump and the still-living Some News . We have always( always) “was talkin about a” politics on this site, but we did not have equivalent content during either the Obama or Bush administrations. That is definitely true. On that rating, we have changed.
A lot of people say they appreciate the political coverage we’ve done, but a few have expressed that they’d instead we avoid politics, and have done so in tones ranging from politely respectful to … less so.
Some people tweet or reach out to us to say “I miss when Cracked was just funny” or “I came here to get AWAY from politics” or “Bring back The Daily Nooner” or
“You should just stick to comedy.”
Here’s the thing: I completely agree with you.
I also wish I could just do stupid fucking jokes again. Honestly, I guess I’m better at them than I am as a contributor to Some News or shrieking about voter scam. As important as that topic is to me( very, please going to see Let America Vote to learn how you can help ), I’d much rather it be covered by someone smarter than me while I focus on what I’m better at( which would be, handgun to my head, 1, 500 terms of dialog-driven nonsense starring a fictionalized version of myself who can’t spell and is also a war criminal ).
And is that a surprise to you? Haven’t you followed me? Don’t you think I’d rather be talking about Spider-Man and my stupid, stupid dick? I would!
I don’t want to cover Hillary Rodham Clinton substantively; I want to induce gags like “The ‘Rodham’ in her name is short for “‘Rodney Hampton.'” That’s as political as I’d like to be, but the realities of our world make it kind of impossible to stay out of politics, so I bought her friggin’ volume instead. A few years ago, you could ask me about comics. Today I’m ready to host a boring meeting on What Happened , Giant Of The Senate , The Devil’s Bargain , and whatever that piece of shit Ben Sasse called his piece-of-shit volume. And I detest that about me .
You have to understand something. When we accidentally devoted a flailing, possum-faced, rotting egg the most important point undertaking in the world, the people at Cracked didn’t say, “Aha! Ultimately an opportunity for us to pivot away from nonfiction comedic list articles and strange personality-driven columns to focus on our true love: a thoroughly researched topical news show about Nazis, Antifa, the works of Jean Paul Sartre, and the troubling styles those three things intercept in our increasingly terrifying world. Haw ! ” I don’t wishes to do that. None of us want to do that. We want to walk around the office pronouncing it “Jean Paul Star Trek” and then write videos about a human who got confounded and had sex with a pumpkin at an adult pumpkin-carving party, which isn’t even a thing that exists .
You’ve no doubt ensure a similar call to keep politics out of sports over the last few weeks. An historically unprecedented sum of football players and( lol) owners are kneeling or engaging in some other kind of protest to oppose either the president generally or the shooting of unarmed black men by police.( It’s not super clear at this phase. It certainly began with the latter and has appeared to be get hijacked by the former .) “I support the idea of the protest, but keep your politics out of sports, ” is a sentiment you’ve no doubt seen.
They want us to stick to gags, and I would LOVE to stick to gags. I don’t know any professional football players personally, but I bet they’d also prefer to merely play football. I bet they also long for a period when their Sundays were expended running and hitting and throwing and capture as hard as they can without the added stress of figuring out where they fit into their own nationals, historical movement. It would be easier for them if there was no politics in football, because before there were politics in football, they didn’t have to think about kneeling or not, and they didn’t have to deal with the booing if they did. But now they have to consider it. As Jason pointed out months ago, even keeping politics out of sports( or pop culture or writing) is itself a political move.
( Also, we should, uh, probably cancel football. Goddammit I detest my growing awareness and responsibility !)
Politics is everywhere and everything is political. Which sucks for me, because I’m an idiot. I’m not some politics guy, I’m Deany O’Beanz, Cracked.com’s Creative Director of Upside-Down Sex Stuff. Believe me, when Wendy’s unveiled their new Bacon Mozzarella Burger last year, I wanted to write a charade sung of the opening number to Hamilton , changing the lyrics from “Alexander Hamilton” to “Mozzarella Hamburger, ” but our chairperson told us all to boycott Hamilton , so now even mentioning it feels like a political statement.
The two dolla’, flavor-hauler with fresh garlic / is a steal, darlin’, they are for real chargin’ / a measly two dollas. I am a food intellectual . Believe me, this shit is Delicious Incarnate .
I mean, you get it, that’s airtight, you love it, this shit would have been glorious.
I miss doing pointless jokes like that. I would rather be writing columns about dumb internet stuff and other weird things that used to occupy my brain. I miss doing jokes making fun of bad websites. I would still be making fun of bad websites if we had a better chairwoman. Like John Mayer’s haunted fucking nightmare self-indulgent dream wall. Seem at this child’s sandbox of a website 😛 TAGEND
If you move the cursor around, John Mayer’s stupid eyes follow you all over town.
Nice website, dickface. Does the strap around your stupid head featuring vaguely Native American imagery represent your plan to appropriate another culture with your music? Your album’s called Search For Everything . Do you actually find anything, or is it mostly going to be a bunch of ballads about fucking on a Sunday or whatever and realise for the first time at 23 years old that the girls you have sex with will eventually turn into the mothers you won’t? You’ve got a bunch of dumb spinny art on your website. You, uh … suck . Hahahahaha .
That was just off the top of my head. If this were 3 years ago, I’d have squeezed , no joke, 6,000 terms out of this website. But things being what they are, I merely went to this website after John Mayer posted a surprisingly cogent argument for gun control in the wake of the tragic mass shooting in Las Vegas a few weeks ago.
Dammit! That’s where I’m at! Global Source of Ridicule and Professional Annoying Guy at a Party John Mayer only made his way to my radar because he was talking about sensible gun control.
All I want to do is talk to you all about The Property Brothers , a indicate I’m obsessed with. For those who don’t know, Property Brothers becomes a reality prove allegedly about identical twin friends, but in actuality they’re clones of the same cursed person and the only change is that one of them does magic but the present doesn’t mention it, and I guess they flip, fix, build, or sell homes, depending on their mood.( I say “mood” instead of “moods” because, like their heart and dreams, they both share one mood at all periods .) It’s the most compelling and unsettling Tv I’ve ever seen. I’ve been working on an unauthorized fiction about being the Property Brother who “got out” of the family, but I had to put it on hold because I need to remember to call my representatives about either the newest needlessly cruel healthcare bill or insidious attempts at gerrymandering or whatever the fucking haunted puppet Jefferson Fucking Beauregard Fucking Sessions the Fucking Third is up to when I can’t consider him — which is often, because he’s only allowed to come out when innocent people are asleep.
One time I showed Jeff Sessions a missing child’s picture on the back of a milk carton, and he said, “That doesn’t look like much of anything to me.” His favorite TV show is “the weather, ” and his least-favorite cartoons are the ones where two all kinds of animals are friends. He eats applesauce for every snack, and every night before prayers, he doesn’t have sex with a glass of warm milk — he simply sets his dick in it, leaves it there for a while, and hummings a little song about glitches to himself.
One time I fulfilled Jeff Sessions at a party and said, “Why are you so racist and awful? ” and he took one of his teeth out and put it in my palm and said “Shh, ” and then winked like “I’ll never tell, ” but legit he is the most dangerous person in America right now. Anyway, that tooth budded legs and sprinted to Charlottesville and Sessions is gunning for Nazi MVP and I dislike that most of my time is expended tracking Sessions when I used to simply do gags about movies .
This is going to feel like an abrupt transition, but I promise it’s associated. The new It is the biggest movie in the world right now, shattering records constantly, and I would love to talk about it. But do you want to know what my over-thought, Daniel O’Brien, Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder-esque observations are?
1 . This movie resonated with so many people because the concept of an overtly, undeniably evil force-out emerging in a hugely visible way after being hitherto concealed right beneath an allegedly safe town’s surface for so long is striking a chord with a lot of people who are just waking up to the fact that the systemic and institutionalized issues of real racism which we thought we subdued a hundred times are still there, still strong, and still evil . We supposed Derry was safe, but no, the monster was waiting in the darkness for the best time to pop out. We had civil and elected a black chairperson, so we thought everything was cool … until actual Nazis who lived next door abruptly stopped being too ashamed to acknowledge they were Nazis the whole time. 2 . Pennywise is such an effective ogre for a lot of modern Americans who can relate to the idea of an evil jester who are exists because( and indeed, get stronger when) we devote it attention . I used to talk about how Luke Skywalker was probably a virgin. Are you fucking kidding me ? I’m incapable of not discovering parallels to our current political situation. Indicate me an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants from 2001 today, and I insure you I’ll find a link between Steve Bannon and Plankton, and what’s weirder is that I will completely believe it because I ensure politics everywhere now.
I wishes to expend too much hour over-analyzing the most recent Spider-Man movie, because as Cracked’s Creative Director of Video with a Minor in Spider-Man and a Concentration in International Hot-Tubbing, people expect me to have an notified take over all things Spider-Man. Instead I’ve expended six months researching the fucking Mercer household, a clown car cabal of rich maniacs who can singlehandedly control the results of an election and construct the Koch Brothers seem tame by comparison. Please get excited about my next book, I Used To Make Jokes Until I Realized The Corrupt And Insane Mercer Family Will Buy Our Next Four Presidential Elections , due sometime in 20 -never, because I’ll be too sad to write it.
I can’t stay out of politics, because politics is everywhere. When the president calls about Saturday Night Live , the NFL, the NBA, the Emmy Awards, Facebook, and a dozen other things in the same 30 -day period, my even mentioning those things means whatever I’m talking about is political in some way.
At Cracked, we come into work every day to brainstorm ideas for content, and consistently the most important thing that’s happening in the world at any given time has been related to our chairperson. I entail, there was one day a few months ago when a five-star moronic was like, “I bravely love my fucking big fat spouse so much, you guys should give me a medal, ” and we all had some tremendous apolitical fun with that for about 24 hours, but otherwise it’s been the Trump show, the working day, every day.
( God , I miss that golden idiot who guessed grabbing a big ass should make him mayor .)
I can’t keep politics out of my work on Cracked because I can’t keep it out of my own private life. When I visit my family, we’ll catch up and talk about recent movies we’ve seen, and eventually the conversation will end up like, “Yeah, work’s going great, I’ve been golfing more, I went to the Aquarium of the Pacific for the first time, the New York Football Giants are fucking garbage, it’s a disgrace about Puerto Rico, and did you hear what outrageous thing the president to say something about[ X ]? ” If you’re catching up with your family, how do you NOT mention the most recent thing our chairwoman did?
Or I’ll be on a first date with someone, exchanging totally normal basic, casual first date dialogue stuff( “Do you think Big Boi should be considered an elite rapper? ” or “When was the first time in your life you interacted with person of a different race from you? ” ), and without fail, person or persons will bring up the latest antics of our chairwoman. These are the kinds of conversations I have on a date with a new person 😛 TAGEND Person : So what do you do in your free time? Daniel : I like to run, I hang out with my puppy, I read a bunch. But I guess most of my hour is spent staring at Axios, Twitter, and The Week to stay up to date on our increasingly warlike tensions with North Korea. Person : We can’t listen to “Rocket Man” anymore ! Daniel : I KNOW, HE TOOK IT FROM US! Or 😛 TAGEND Daniel : So, you like your job? Person : I do. I like the people I work with, the hours are good, it’s challenging, the benefits are decent. Daniel : … Person : Of course, all of our benefits may change if this new GOP healthcare bill gets rammed through.
Daniel : Without a proper CBO score. Person : Right. Daniel : Do we know where the votes stand now? Person : Paul is definitely a ‘No, ‘ we’re still waiting on Murkowski and Collins because they haven’t officially proclaimed yet. Daniel : It’s still too close. Person : Pack of bastards. Daniel : Pack of halfwit bastards.
Daniel O’Brien, Cracked’s Creative Director of Video and Slam Dunk Czar.
I know I’m more informed today than I’ve ever been in my entire life, and that’s likely good, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m so fucking bummed about the amount of senators I know the names of . Seven years ago, if someone asked me to name ten senators, I’d say, “Like, government senators or the old baseball squad the Senators? Either style, I don’t know, perhaps two? At any rate, I’m not going to answer your topic because the series finale of Lost is about to air and it’s gonna be perfect, babyyyyy, gonna answer all of Deany’s questions, babyyyyyy! ‘California Gurls’! Angry Birds ! It’s still okay to like Louis C.K .! ‘Magic’ accomplishment. Weezer! it is two thousand teeeeeeeeeeen! “
The president wants us to boycott the NFL, the Golden State Warriors, most news, Facebook, SNL , the Emmys, uh … Puerto Rico, I guess. I can’t keep politics out of Cracked because I can’t keep it out of anything , and I don’t know how anyone does. If I depicted up in a town and the mayor was like, “Oh, we don’t talk about politics here, we don’t even pay attention to it, ” I’d believe “Wow, you’re going to miss some pretty intense shit . One time at work I went to the bathroom for a full 20 minutes, and when I got back to my desk, Reince Priebus had resigned and Scaramucci’s wife had filed for divorce and Eric Trump’s pubes turned see-thru and we likely loosely declared war on someone . “
And again, I also wish I could go back to doing dumb jokes. And I’m not weaving in political stuff because I feel some journalistic obligation; I’m doing it because I don’t think it’s possible to talk about anything without the framework of politics. Or I guess I can talk about football through the framework of how we should stop watching it because of CTE? Would that be more appropriate? Like, it’s a bummer that Colin Kaepernick doesn’t have a job while some scarcely sentient mannequin gets paid millions to throw for the Bears, but maybe it’s ultimately a good thing , because it lowers the chance that Kap will get the hot new assassination brain damage that’s sweeping the sports nation? Is that … better?
Daniel O’Brien is Cracked’s Strongest Intern and the author of How to Fight Chairman and the children’s volume adaptation, Your Presidential Fantasy Dream Team, both of which you can buy where you are want. He also wasn’t lying about that Property Brothers book. He will be releasing it for free one chapter at a time and you can get it if you subscribe to his newsletter right here .
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