Everywhere you look, there’s plenty of success to be found on crowdfunding platforms like Kickstarter or Indiegogo. Regrettably, failure too abounds — which is always extra humiliating when the person behind a campaign is more famous than 99 percent of the people on countries around the world. Think about that. Some random nobody managed to get $55,000 for potato salad, and the following celebrities still failed miserably to reach their goals.
Unless, that is, that goal was secretly to be mocked in one of these articles. In which occurrence, hey, congrats!
# 6. No One Wants To Pay For New Nicolas Cage And Kevin Sorbo God Movies
After God’s Not Dead induced roughly 30 times its budget at the box office and was thoroughly watched by critics, it seemed as if a sizable chunk of the viewing public had an craving for overtly religion cinemas after all. This did not escape the notice of Kevin Sorbo, who played Hercules in the ‘9 0s Hercules display, the asshole professor in God’s Not Dead , and the asshole Kevin Sorbo in real life. Sorbo set up an Indiegogo campaign for a film called The Christmas Gift , a “politically incorrect”( in the lamest sense) movie which promised to “take back Christmas.” You know, since those sinful heathens in Hollywood really abhor that period of the year.
But despite the enticing promise of a movie about ‘9 0s Hercules heroically refusing to say “Happy Holidays, ” the campaign created only $6,316 of its $250,000 objective. God may be alive, but Santa remains more popular.
Now we’ll never know how they break the curse and escape those satanic decorates .
Sorbo is not alone in trying to crowdfund the spreading of the Gospel, though. The producer of Left Behind , the shockingly un-entertaining Nicolas Cage adaptation of one of the most bugfuck end-of-days volume series ever, tried to raise half a million dollars for an ill-conceived sequel that nobody asked for. How desperate was producer Paul Lalonde for funding? Well, if you dedicated $2,500 to the project, you could expend a day on decide with the producer and really do some rendering , giving advice as to how the cinema should be made. If that’s too expensive, then for only $75, you could join an “advisory panel” of random bozoes that give input on the film’s direction.
“Nic, do you have any more magical amulets? I’d like to see you festooned with more amulets.”
Unsurprisingly, this campaign was also a flop, raising only $ 80,699 of its $500,000 objective. The movie has since resorted to soliciting funds on PayPal, and probably other things that the producer is not proud of. Meanwhile, Nicolas Cage … is. He only is.
# 5. Sylvester Stallone Successfully Kickstarts A Film, Throws The Money Away
Now hold on a minute. Sylvester Stallone is still a legitimate movie star. He’s written and directed great cinemas, was recently nominated for an Academy Award, and still acts in big-budget AAA cinemas to this day. How severely could he possibly screw up a Kickstarter campaign? Well, how about canceling his campaign after it was successfully funded, to make less money on another platform?
Yeah, that will do it . The project in question was a film titled Reach Me . Stallone appears as a high-profile blogger( a profession which apparently exists in this movie universe) who likes to paint on the side. Coincidentally, that’s a real-life hobby for Stallone. Also coincidentally, someone called Scarlet Stallone has a cameo in the film. And who contributed anthems to the soundtrack? You guessed it 😛 TAGEND Reportedly, Stallone’s dog was in talks to play an important role . In case you still had a bit of optimism for the cinema, the official trailer should hopefully take care of that. Bask in the subtlety of a human who needs guidance because he only can’t stop murdering people all the time. This is a real plot point .
So wait, there’s a trailer for the movie, which entails it must have been funded, right? Well, yes and no. The cinema was originally pitched on Kickstarter, where it managed to meet its impressive objective of $250,000. But then, two days before the end of the campaign, Stallone cancelled the whole thing and moved the project to Indiegogo. Reportedly, he wanted to open the cinema up to both international donors and donations larger than $10,000( because a reward of “golfing with Tom Sizemore” isn’t enticing enough ).
So after repudiating all the pledged Kickstarter money and going to Indiegogo, his project objective up with … $178,640. Astute mathematicians will realize that this is about $80,000 less than the bare minimum he would have earned otherwise, but we guess if you play a boxer too many times, your math skills suffer a little bit. Of course, a human with a net worth of $400 million makes whatever damn movie he wants, so Reach Me did get released, with the same reception as a particularly wet fart.
Looks like the world simply isn’t yet ready for taut blogger drama .
# 4. Nu-Metal Band Orgy Crowdfunds A Glorious Comeback, Nobody Cares
Remember Orgy, that Korn-like band from the late ‘9 0s that did that one cover of “Blue Monday” and sold two million albums? No? What about their only other single to chart, “Stitches”? Or that song they did with the actual lead singer of Korn? Still nothing? Huh.
Anyway, want to help fund their next album?
215 of those 217 people supposed this was a “best of Barry White” collection .
Back in 2013, an Indiegogo page ran up to fund the creation of an EP from what could liberally be called Orgy, since lead singer Jay Gordon was the only member of the band on board with the revival. If he was being accurate, different groups would have been renamed “Single Masturbating Man.” It seems the band’s other original members were too busy palling around with Linkin Park and building music for two of the worst Sonic The Hedgehog games, which we’re going to tepidly classify as a lateral move.
Backers could get such rewards as free albums, T-shirts, music lessons from members of the band, or a date with one of them( and the accompanying awkward narrative to share on Facebook subsequently ). Anyone who ponied up a massive $20,000 would be credited as a producer on the album and get a full day to hang out with the band. The location wasn’t specified, but we’re guessing it was “the nearest Carl’s Jr.”
“Wait, where are the naked chicks? Please tell me I didn’t expend that money on a few sullen guys wearing eyeliner.”
Somehow , no one scooped up these hot deals, and the campaign created less than 10 percent of its target, which they accepted with the grace and humility of a 12 -year-old who got headshotted in Call Of Duty . They griped on their Facebook page about the “jealous” and “childish haters” who had the boldnes to report on their failing. Also, one of Gordon’s mothers proved up in the comments to defend him from the internet, but we’re not making fun of that, because we’ve all been there.
The new EP did eventually come out, and it’s … pretty good? We’re sure there’s a lesson here somewhere, but we don’t know what it is.
Read more: www.cracked.com